toronto

GET OUT OF TORONTO

Posted on Posted in Features

Did you move to Parkdale and you bought a great fixer upper in a thriving neighbourhood but you hated how noisy Queen Street can get on the weekend so you talked to your local councillor because that’s something you could do because you have “means” and you got the nearest bar to you to close after it got too many noise violation tickets? Is this something you did?

Then get the fuck out of Toronto. You don’t need to live in a vibrant place. You’re not vibrant. You’re the homeowner version of a hypebeast. You moved to your hood because it was the place to be but you didn’t get why it was the place to be and now you’re fucking it up. Fucking it up for everyone.

You’re a vibe killer. You know where fucking vibe killers should live? Whitby or Oakville or some fucking place where the only restaurant is East Side Mario’s. You shouldn’t live in Parkdale, you shouldn’t live in Kensington Market. They are not for you.

You’re the type of person who probably eats at those “gentrified ethnic” restaurants in neighbourhoods. You know the type of restaurant I mean. It’s supposed to be authentic but everything is served by tatted white people who explain how to eat the food in the most pedantic way possible and old school rap is playing and the food costs 3 times more than what you would be able to get at the place down the street that is actually legit. The place down the street doesn’t have an Instagram account though.

Speaking of Instagram you probably often consume food for no other reason than to post it. It is to serve as proof that you’re relevant. But you’re not. You’re a follower of those who are relevant. Or maybe no one you know or follow is relevant. You are chasing after nothing. You are like the thirsty person in the desert seeing a mirage. You will never get there.

But let’s go back to the main point of this whole post. There is nothing stopping you from living in a quiet neighbourhood that may be a bit removed from downtown and then going downtown when you feel like it and immersing yourself in the action. You can always go home and be a lame-o in a neighbourhood of lame-os. Own it. Be proud of it instead of insisting on living downtown and demanding that the neighbourhood adjust to your lifestyle and habits. This is very entitled and makes you an asshole. Do you want to be an asshole. Is that a goal?

It also makes you sad. You want to appear to be exciting but you’re not and you don’t want anyone else to live an exciting life because it reminds you that you and your partner don’t have sex anymore or that you’ve lost the ability to masturbate if you are sad and alone.

You would probably also save money on your mortgage and your kids (if you have them) will be less likely to grow to be the type of interesting people you are pushing out.

Just get the fuck out of Toronto. I’ll stay the fuck out of Oakville.

 

 

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