THAT ERA WHEN WE ALL PRETENDED TO LIKE TECHNO

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The year is 2052. Billy Coke Zero was coming home from school. He was excited. Today he would get to hang out with his grandpa.

Billy Coke Zero loved his grandpa. Grandpa Tyler was always very fun to be around. He had great stories about the 2000’s and 2010’s. He talked about crazy things like how people used to live in Florida and California, how China used to be poor and America had been great. America was certifiably not great by¬†this point. It was not great for anybody. It was only good at sucking.

Billy Coke Zero skipped down the street excited to get home. The usual taunts from neighbourhood bully Madison Air Jordan 10 Retro OVO could not phase him. Billy Coke Zero was made invincible with joy.

Billy Coke Zero burst through the door and immediately jumped in his grandpa’s arms.

“That’s my boy!” said Grandpa Tyler “Now what say we go get some ice cream!”

Billy Coke Zero squealed with joy threw down his back pack and ran to the car. It was a car that still ran on fossil fuels because we are fucking incapable of doing the right thing as a society.

As they drove to the ice cream shop Grandpa Tyler switched on the Spotify. He chose an oldies playlist.

“What is that sound?!?!” exclaimed Billy Coke Zero “It sounds like robot porno mixed with construction mixed with boredom”

“Oh this music? It’s techno” Grandpa Tyler replied

“Why is it just the same sounds never ending for 5 minutes?” asked Billy

“It’s more pretentious that way”

“What does that mean?’

“It means that it’s more difficult to like because it’s boring so people can feel superior for liking it” Grandpa Tyler said as he threw garbage out the car window. Littering was cool again.

“That doesn’t make any sense. Would you listen to this at a party?”

“A lot of things didn’t make any sense back then Billy. Yes, it would play at parties but it was more there as background music. Most people could be found in the bathrooms doing ketamine or cocaine. The music was just secondary. Like I said, it was more there just so you could tell people that it was playing while you were there. You could feel like you were special. People just wanted to feel special.”

“Feeling special is nice. Maybe I should like techno?”

“It’s not hard to find. It still mostly sounds the same as it did 40 years ago. Even back then it was very similar to stuff from 20 or even 30 years before. It was about keeping things the same. The song would sound the same, the music would stay the same and you would just feel special with your high hemmed pants on”

“High hemmed pants?” Billy asked scrunching his face

“Yeah people liked their pants too high back then. Often the cuffs would be frayed. It was a lifestyle”

“People sure were strange in the 2010s Grandpa Tyler”

“Yeah back then it was more important to appear smart and talk about Berlin than to have fun. Luckily now that’s not a problem because all new music is Nu Country. I like that Desiigner has had a long career thanks to his adoption of Nu Country, the best music ever made by human beings. They say that Nu Country is the sum total of all music combined into one genre. There can be no other music after Nu Country. It is the Apha and the Omega” Grandpa Tyler explained with glassy eyes.

“All hail Nu Country”

The ice-cream was cold and delicious.

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