Another year passes and I’m even older than ever.
So fucking old. I’m so old now that people don’t even want to sell shit to me anymore. I’m out of the coveted 18 to 34 demo that marketing people love. I’m in the 35 to Death demo now that marketers hate. If I start wearing a brand it immediately goes out of style and bursts into flames. Everyone who worked on the brand commit honour suicide they are so ashamed that they made something that appeals to someone so old.
As a 35 year old I have a wisdom that people younger than me lack. Like I said last year, I’ve outlived Jesus. He couldn’t hack it and I could. If this was a reality show I would be ahead. Dude got voted off the island of life before me. I’ve also survived longer than losers like Jim Morrison, Alexander The Great, Heath Ledger and Tupac. You can talk about what they achieved when they were alive all day if you want but the fact remains that at some point they fucked up and had to tap out early and I’m still here. Slow and steady wins the race folks.
All this is to say that even though I’m old and EDM culture is all about youth, I can still tell you how extremely shitty most of the music is. My whole writeup last year was based on me thinking that by diving into the kind of EDM that college kids in butt-fuck USA supposedly like that I would be like “oh my god my ears can’t take this intense music, I’m too frail” and instead I’m like “wow this is music is for fucking softs”.
Throw in the fact a lot of “EDM Stars” are garbage people and you’ve the ingredients for an epic shit pile. Let’s go.
Look at this guy. Every pic I see of him he looks like a virgin. Thing is I’m sure he fucked way more chicks than me. My theory is that he has the disease from the movie Memento where every few minutes he forgets his entire life so as far as he knows he’s still a virgin. Listen to this track. I think the genre is called “I haven’t Got My Dick Wet House”
It’s terrible. The drop sounds like a dick jizzing with no one behind the wheel. Everything thing is messed the fuck up. It has that shitty guitar strummy cord thing at the start that fucking every shitty big room track has to tell you it’s time to FEEL. But beyond that, let’s unpack this fucking video for a fucking second. Did you watch it? Please do. So this chick from one of the uncontacted tribes of the Amazon has a fucking iPod fall down on her from a fucking plane that has Hardwell music on it and that makes her go into society to find Hardwell, in the process becoming some kind of a basic. If some fucking isolated tribe heard Hardwell music they would be like “fuck guys we fucked up, our gods are fucking angry as shit we need to just do everything the opposite of what we’re doing because this is a terrible sign”.
DIMITRI VEGAS & LIKE MIKE
Behold, according to DJ Mag this is the NUMBER ONE ACT in the world. These guys might be from Europe but they look like the government collected the molly sweat of every douche bag in Las Vegas with a bad button up shirt in bottle service and created life. The music sounds like it’s made for girls that peaked in high school. Listen and watch:
It’s yet another video like the ones from last year’s list that has the tale of girls going to the desert and BEING FREE. Then they dyke the fuck out because that’s what free spirited girls do in a video made by dudes. Ne-Yo is there as the spirit guide to doing crass lesbian things for straight people. This is music for people who crave going to Daytona Beach and in their first year of taking Molly. This is music for girls who’s self worth is based on how many guys wanna bang them. This is that “I’m going as a sexy cat for Halloween” type music.
This guy’s music sounds like a corporation getting it’s first period. This fucking drivel sounds like the music for a fucking Sandals resort commercial.
Right? It’s softer than your grandpa’s dick. Listen to this shit:
It’s got that fucking shitty chord strum shit again because it’s made for people who order chicken fingers at a Chinese food restaurant. The video is like bad Professor X’s shitty mutant school with Walmart music playing in the background. It’s like “you took molly, you’re special like these kids” but you paid fucking hundreds of dollars to stand at the back of a huge field filled with 100,000 people while this guy plays music for people that need to be told “go crazy now”. The drop of this track sounds like the death cries of a magical fairy being beaten to death by a herpes dick. And still it’s generic.
David Guetta is like one magic Christmas cocaine fell on a used tampon and it came to life. There was his terrible use of North American Aboriginal culture to promote a club night called “Fuck Me I’m Famous”
On top of that, All his fucking tracks sound like someone else so let’s just fucking say it: he doesn’t fucking make them. This represents everything about David Guetta:
It’s a track that sounds like 2003 ripping off the video style of Major Lazer from 2009 with a gorilla that fucks a chick. Why is he still here? Why do we keep him around? We don’t need him. He’s not necessary. He’s like the EDM equivalent of your boy who you told could sleep on your couch for a bit and then he never leaves and starts being terrible. The ghost producers can just work for someone else. They’ll find jobs. There are always gonna be people that organize sad office birthday parties and they need music to like.
I feel bad in a way for Carnage because from what I hear he’s not really a bad guy. He’s the only one on this list who isn’t some fucking white ass Euro douche. I happen to like a lot of the tracks that are credited to him (key word “credited”).
But dude just represents everything wrong with EDM. He doesn’t make his own shit. Like when dude was in that tutorial vid where he was explaining shit like he had just fallen out of a uterus full of weed smoke that was it. No fucking way this dude makes shit. He’s the face of a fucking corporation. All his Chipotle shit and everything, dude is just an industry. He’s like the sign on a factory with a smiley face but then the factory makes toys with lead. People say he can DJ. I looked him the fuck up on the Youtube. Check it:
Nothing is fucking mixed. It’s just like one fucking song dropped after another. If there’s a fucking reason the EDM industry is failing it’s fucking shit like this. Fake people pushing shitty products for way too much money. Everyone defending this dude is in denial or they get everything ghost produced too and they’re scared they’ll be next.
Dude is fucking rich though and all these motherfuckers are rich and even though I’m fucking tearing into them the real suckers are all the average people that spend their hard earned cash to go experience generic music performed badly by assholes at events where they organizers can’t be bothered to ensure someone doesn’t fucking die every fucking time.