THE TOP WORST DANCE MUSIC ACTS ACCORDING TO A 37 YEAR OLD MAN

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Years ago, I wrote a series of articles about what I as a 34, then 35 year old man perceived to be the worst acts in dance music or “EDM” as clueless assholes call it.

I didn’t do one last year because I didn’t want to be this guy who’s known for just being an angry asshole. I also am not your fucking monkey who’s gonna do what you want him to do. I’m not gonna retread the same old territory because you find comfort in the same schtick that long ago stopped being fresh.

I wasn’t gonna force myself to do something I had no joy in and compromise myself creatively just for the sake of a few extra clicks from an audience I never wanted; the type of people who seek something out because it gives them what they expect. I don’t do this for people who don’t like to be challenged. If that’s you, go home. I like to make those people mad.

I also wasn’t interested EDM anymore. I never really was to begin with. The whole idea originally was me having just exited the coveted 18-34 demographic and looking at music that was not “targeted” at me anymore. This was supposed to be the music of millennials (at least lame-o millennials) and I was thinking I was going to listen to it and be like “Argh! My old ears can’t handle this youthful music!” but no, my old ears could handle it. The music ended up being so safe, so lacking of any edge that I lost all respect for the average North American youth.

After that, rather than being scared of youths, I felt like I should be pushing them around. I felt like they should be crossing the street when they saw me and I felt like I should be loud and boisterous and annoying in their presence rather than the other way around. They have never gained my respect back since. I have torn down the curtain that hid the truth. Youth are lame.

Need proof? Here are the worst dance music acts as decided by a 37 year old man who stopped giving fucks years ago.

KYGO

Kygo currently has a top dance hit in 2017. It’s this track with Selina Gomez (who I cannot ever find hot because she looks like an overgrown child. If you find her hot you should go to jail, even if you are younger than her):

Firstly, I do have to say congrats to Kygo for making the same song over and over again and still managing to make a shit ton of money. Whether he understands it or not, he’s tapped in on the fact that most people don’t like new things and would rather just hear the same shit over and over with a different name on it.

That being said, this is still terrible. His gimmick of feelsy piano cheese EDM was always terrible. This is music for if you are a bro in a frat and you think you’re sensitive but you’re actually a piece of shit. This is music for if you’re a fucking super hot white chick who goes around telling everyone (unprompted) that you’re quirky cuz you eat pizza a lot and you have a pizza tattoo (shoutout to Reductress). This is bland ass music for bland ass people who hang out with so many other bland ass people that they think a normal quality makes them unique.

The scary thing is that these are the people who actually reproduce and spread the genes because they don’t have the type of dark soul that leads them down a road of singlehood, drug use and staying up too late looking at memes to get ahead in your job.

Kygo music is like the Dat Boi meme but after your mom discovered it. Kygo is like what the Elf on a Shelf meme is right now. Un-edgy. Unthreatening. Tame. This man is the Italian meme in human form, not because he is Italian. He is no spicy meatball. It’s because you can only appreciate him if you suck.

THE CHAINSMOKERS

Is it possible to smoke pure boredom? Can you roll it up into a spliff of unremarkability and light it and take a huge uninteresting haul? If that’s possible, then that’s what these guys are chainsmoking.

It only makes sense that their biggest hit of 2017 would be a collaboration with Coldplay, who have been a favourite band of people who didn’t end up escaping your home town since the late 90s. Now those people have a new anthem:

I was scared that with this track and the rest of their recent album, the Chainsmokers might become some big time pop music act. I had hoped the world would start to realize that these guys are just assholes peddling falsely vulnerable music to other assholes pretending to be vulnerable to get laid. Despite the Chainsmokers recently making a racist joke about Chinese people eating dogs, not accepting that they just fucking sucked at the VMAs last year, and just all around looking like fucking white dude assholes they still have a hit record. Their album also went platinum. As shitty as these guys are I also just have to say a big fuck you to the wider North American public who has helped facilitate this garbage situation. These guys rose to real prominence at the same time as Trump was on the road to the presidency of the USA so maybe there is a parallel there? If Trump is possible then the Chainsmokers are possible. Nothing is impossible anymore. What a time.

LIDO

Does this surprise you? Are you triggered by this pick? To be completely honest, I don’t give that many fucks about Lido’s music. If you like to listen to someone jerking themselves off with sound design then this is the music for you.

What bothers me more is what he does under his other identity Trippy Turtle. Basically he just takes the rich tradition of American black club music culture and peddles this accessible whitened version and as a consequence gets all this attention as a Jersey Club producer when he has had no part in creating and innovating in the genre. A lot of people give this guy a pass but let me put it this way, if the career of Iggy Azalea bothered you, this guy should bother you. Oh yeah and this happened a month ago:

Fuck this guy. You fucking eat off a genre of music made by black people and then you make a tweet like that (and then pretend you had nothing to do with it). Nah. This guy is everything that’s wrong in this industry. This guy is white appropriation in human form.

This guy is the type that probably grips his bag a bit tighter when a group of black people get on the same subway car. This guy looks like he would pee his pants if a dog barked at him too loud. This guy seems like a guy who would tell his other white friends about how he met a black person. This guy looks like if he wasn’t good at making safe music for white kids he would be fucking talking about the friend zone and flirting with alt-right memes. That’s a hard pass on this guy.

ZEDD

Like most of these artists I really don’t know any of Zedd’s music. I have to look it up because I’m outside of the realm of people that listen to garbage. This isn’t the type of garbage where when you go throw it in the garbage can it goes in. This is the type of garbage where you go to throw it in the garbage can and you miss. Then you have to bend down and pick it up and try again. I was poking around the World Wide Web and discovered that this is currently a Zedd hit:

You could play this to me and say it was made by The Chainsmokers and I would believe you. You could say it was made by anyone and I would believe you. This is just very generic. How does one actually “like” this song. This is like picking out a type of vanilla ice cream over other vanilla ice creams. There is no way to differentiate his music from other music of this type. This is music for people who would define their taste as “unchallenging”.

You could argue with me and say “well that’s pop music” and I would be like “fuck you”. The Calvin Harris album from this year is fucking pop music too and that shit was gold. Pop music can be good. Defending this shit is like when people defend the Transformers movies. They will say “you just have to turn your brain off”. If you have to “turn your brain off” to enjoy something that means it’s shit, the implication being that if you think about it you will be like “this is not good”. That’s the music of Zedd. It is the soundtrack of thoughtlessness, conformity, intolerance, fascism. This music is Brexit. This music is Trump.

YOU

You are the worst. Yeah. You.

Have you ever slapped the vocal of a new pop song over your generic trap beat just to get the plays? You’re the worst.

Have you tagged people in a post on Facebook that have nothing to do with it just to get more attention? You’re the worst.

Have you paid for plays? Have you paid for followers? Do you put numbers over quality? You fucking suck ass.

Do you trade reposts on Soundcloud with other producers and the stuff you repost is stuff you don’t actually like? You need to go to jail.

If you are in the music industry just be to be famous or get your dick or pussy sucked then you’re here for the wrong reason. You’re bringing everything down. You contribute nothing of real value to the music industry or to art. You merely sustain the middlemen and the leaches that are making money off the fact that you (and people like you) are desperate to be popular. You think that you’re entitled to be popular but you’re not. No one is. You do not inherently deserve it and the ends never justify the means if that’s why you’re here and you’re doing this.

You’re the type of person who probably name drops. You sycophantically like all the posts by someone you think will help get you ahead. You agree to and support things that are against your values because you’re too scared to rock the boat. You eat shit from people because you’re too weak to stand up to them and you can’t wait to make other people eat shit when you finally get to a position of even mediocre power.

You make this industry poisonous and you make the people in this industry cynical. If you’re one of those people these words enrage you.

Enjoy the last few days of summer folks!

PS Marshmello is also the worst fucking shit ever offering nothing even remotely interesting. Like I don’t even care who is behind the mask. It could be a human or it could be a horde of possums in human shape. I don’t care. If you like that music you’re the type of person who goes to Europe for 2 weeks but hits up 20 destinations where you won’t be able to actually immerse yourself in any of the places you visit and instead you just want to get photos for the Gram and just say you went to all those places.

 

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