After a terrible 2016 and a devastating 2017 we thought we would be spared for 2018 but, sadly, the worst is yet to come.
This announcement today, that a Shaggy and Sting collaboration album will be coming out on 4/20 (THE OFFICIAL DATE OF WEED) is some of the worst news in human history.
This is definitely more tragic than 9/11. That event, though a gut punch to New Yorkers was at least (if there can be a silver lining) localized TO ONE PLACE (oh and the pentagon but whatever). The shockwaves of this Shaggy and Sting collaboration will be felt AROUND THE WORLD. Here are some of the bigger consequences:
ZERO GLOBAL BIRTH RATE
Western countries and Japan are already feeling the effects of a low birth rate with an aging population. After the release of this album, births around the world will plummet as people will be incapable of having sex. Rather than sounding “like something that hundreds of women would get pregnant to” as Shaggy believes, it sounds like some that millions of women will be unable to get pregnant to as they will have very dry, desert like vaginas and their uteruses will shrivel up. Here is a link to the lead track as proof. I would advise women who are pregnant to not play this music as it will cause the fetus to be aborted.
Wow. My dick just fell off and crawled into the garbage this is so bad.
The only person who could have sex to this shit is like Ivanka Trump or like the woman who you hate at your office that you work at who fucking talks about her boring ass kids doing boring ass shit. OTHERWISE VAGINAS ARE GONNA BE CLAMPED SHUT. CLOSED INDEFINITELY.
The only people who would listen to a Shaggy and Sting collab are people who would still buy CDs. People who like the music at Starbucks. This will mean that we will need more plastic and there will therefore be more pollution.
One of the key ingredients in the manufacture of plastic is oil. That means more drilling in waters where fishes mate. Less fish will destroy the food chain. You can guess what the next step is: human extinction.
Is this a worthwhile price to pay for weak ass reggae that even your mom would find soft? I don’t think so.
Also think about the noise pollution. Do we need more, as Rihanna called it, “airport reggae”? Animals will die because of this music. This will be the first time sound actually poisons the ecosystem. Lakes will be unswimmable due to the effects of this album. Birds will get their beak stuck in it somehow like those pop can rings that hold them together (I don’t fucking know what that shit is called).
IT WILL DESTROY THE WEED ECONOMY
With recent legalization in some American states and pending legalization in Canada, weed (aka loud) is big business that is set to grow by 3000% in the next 5 years (according to stats I pulled out of my ass).
By associating this album with chronic, they will destroy the chronic industry.
Millenials, a group who is obsessed with avocado and paying rent and authenticity will be turned off by smoking that loud. They will all start getting interested in making your own ceviche at home instead and the weed market will crash. This will put working families out of a job. Babies will go hungry and won’t have weed. Is this the future you want? Well you’re gonna get it even if you don’t.
So there. How do you like your 2018 now? Also Bill Murray will die in 2018 and after being outed as a #metoo guy.