future bass

Why does the genre Future Bass even exist?

Today is my birthday. All that I ask for is an explanation of why Future Bass even fucking exists. Sure, you think you’re smart and you’re gonna be like “because people like it”. Some people like eating shark fin soup and some like peeking at ladies undressing. This is all to say that people can like a lot of things but that in itself does not justify their existence. It does not absolve these things from being terrible.

Future Bass is a crime. At least in it’s present form. It was invented by people of colour (like all great music) and then it became the whitest lamest weakest fucking genre in the history of all music. It is whiter and weaker even than those genres that rich European people listen to in Vienna where you have to wear a monocle (without one you can’t get in the club).

Future Bass is the genre you would choose if you’re the type of person who would choose to paint your house beige. It is bland and inoffensive. Listening to the Chainsmokers is like looking at the Windows XP background

It’s a pleasant enough place where not much happens other than rich white people issues like “will we have enough drugs for tonight?” and “my guy isn’t answering, can we try yours again?” People grow crops and occasionally their parents fight and they use this mild family disfunctionality as a way to seem deep and interesting to the opposite (and same) sex. That’s what happens in the Windows XP background.

It’s sad because you can tell a lot of these dudes (it’s like 99% dudes) have a ton of talent but they just shit it away making music that people named Chad play at frat parties. Also it sucks for these people making this drivel because it will have no longevity. All of their fans will be doing office jobs with families and living in suburbia in five years since they are the kind of people who don’t do anything interesting after college. You know the type where their kid is their profile photo. So yeah their careers will have a short shelf life.

The most affronting aspect of Future Bass is that it’s a whole genre that is popular through gaming the Soundcloud system. There’s this article that came out in Vulture this week about how people are gaming Spotify for plays and profit. Thankfully many of the methods listed in the article are not the ones employed on Soundcloud because, in many cases, people aren’t getting any money. But there are many other methods utilizing bots and paid reposts and other shit I have already complained about that are endemic in Future Bass.

It’s to what end? To have all these Future Bass acts headline festivals and have their music placed in shitty movies, TV shows and ads? Sure that’s a good way to make money (and yes, money is great) but it doesn’t make the music “good”. It just makes it everywhere. People often mistake ubiquity with quality but they’re wrong. The Toyota Camry is the best selling car in America but would you say it is the best car? No. Future Bass is not the best genre, Future Bass is the genre they’re trying to shove down your ears.

Also what the fuck is up with that name. In writing this article I have had to type out “Future Bass” a bunch of times and I finally hit my breaking point. That fucking name is so fucking stupid. Like what is supposed to come after Future Bass? Future Future Bass? There is much Future Bass that is now in the past. Is that Past Future Bass? Ugh. It’s so stupid. Also rich sad white people in California topics are not the future. Sad white ass cis shit is not the future. I’m fucking cis and white and don’t wanna fucking hear about my fucking shit anymore. Fuck California. Fuck LA. I’ll still visit LA but also shut the fuck up with your juice and your nice weather.

Have a great weekend and fuck America!

PS Not all of America but most of it.